Something happened not too long ago - the day that my daughter asked me the most painful thing.
“I want Dada..” which I said, “Well he isn’t here now but we will see him very soon bubba, just a few more days”…she cried harder and then she said what broke my heart.
It wasnt easy to handle that question at all. I held back tears and just hugged her while she sobbed harder. It's never quite easy, to see your child in so much pain, and know not how to ease it.
“I want Dada..” which I said, “Well he isn’t here now but we will see him very soon bubba, just a few more days”…she cried harder and then she said what broke my heart.
“WHY CAN’T DADA STAY HERE IN MAMA’S HOUSE OR MAMA STAY IN DADA’S HOUSE SO KIARA CAN HAVE BOTH MAMA & DADA?”
(Kiara, Age 3, September'14)
It wasnt easy to handle that question at all. I held back tears and just hugged her while she sobbed harder. It's never quite easy, to see your child in so much pain, and know not how to ease it.
It's hard to come to terms that it was the fault of her parents that she has to live with it. As a friend once told me, "Our children should not pay for our screw-ups but they do...but we must strive to give them better."
Dating hasn't been a walk in the park for me. At the back of my mind, I'm constantly terrified that it may not work out and yet again, I will fail my child. I've had some luck with dating, yes..given I've only dated 2 people so far since my split with Kiara's dad. While I learned alot and definitely grew to be the person I am today, it also came with some setbacks.
When I first started dating again, I always tried to keep my life as a parent and my life as as single, and available woman, separate. I'd see the man i was dating without Kiara in the beginning. Of course, i have never lied nor brushed off the topic that i was a mother. In fact, it was always the one thing i mention when people ask me what i do with my life. Besides the line of work i am in, i am pretty much a full-time mother.
The only time that i will bring her along was when the man said he'd like her to come along for our dinners etc. With my previous partner, it was great! He got along great with Kiara - as she did with him. As it was also the first year in which i had split with K's dad, there were a lot of bickering and fights that happened. Being my partner at that point of time definitely took a toll on him. I remember when we were towards the end of the relationship, i heard how he had told a friend, "I didn't sign up for the kid". Those words broke my heart. Writing it now, i think back and i finally realise why he said what he said. Perhaps, dating someone fresh out of a 4 year relationship with a kid in tow comes with a lot of emotional draining problems. He knew fully well that i was a mother. So its not like he 'didn't' sign up for it. It's not like i caught him off guard with a kid. He knew. But i guess..he didn't sign up for the war that i was still going through with K's dad. And i don't blame him.
I didn't exactly want to date anyone after him. I just felt, i did it on my own for so long - I didn't really need a man! I felt like i needed to focus on getting my life better so that i could give better to my little girl. I did however start dating someone again. I didn't expect to, seeing that he and i were friends since we were in our early teens. But i suppose age and maturity changes people and it didn't take long before we started seeing each other.
Fast forward a year now. Daniel and I have been together for a year. It's been quite a wonderful journey. Of course, dating someone who is pretty much on par with my temper has its downsides. But's its been nice to have someone who knows how to put me in my place, trust me, i need it more often than most of you know!
Throughout our relationship i was constantly watching how he interacted with Kiara. In the initial stages, i knew how hard he tried to make him like her. I have to admit, I was terrified of her liking him. The previous man i dated had cut off all ties. And it was rather hard to explain to Kiara why she suddenly didn't see him or why he didn't bother calling anymore. So with Daniel trying to win little K's heart, i was secretly terrified.
The whole getting into a relationship again left me trembling. I didn't want to have yet another failed relationship. Not when you have a little one. Especially after having her, i think people with children are not out there for 'fun dating'. I won't lie, i want a life partner. Someone who will be with me till the very end. But finding that person...well, that's one tough job.
Its been about a year of being with Daniel now. A lot has since changed since then. Besides Kiara's dad, Daniel has been the first man that moved in together with me. (Or should i say us) I guess he learned early on that i wasn't the girl who would be able to do dinner dates impromptu. He had to learn how he could never surprise me with a flight out of country without my knowledge. My christmas present from him was a trip to Bangkok. I remember how he had to tell me because it was based on my dates that he could then book the trip. So its safe to say, he's been adapting to my lifestyle with Kiara. He has understood that i have a schedule with Kiara. Most days, i go to work, pick her up from school head home, have dinner - the cycle repeats.
Daniel moving in with me, somewhat took some weight off my shoulders. I didn't want to push him to start co-parenting immediately. I didn't want to scare him off with the responsibilities of being a parent. I felt that it was important for him to come to terms of that by his own time. He needed to want to do those things for her without me pushing him to do it. Today, he helps with sending her to school every now and then, getting her ready for the day, preparing her food and milk. He does not pay for her school fees etc. Because that is something that K's dad and I attend to. But does he help with other expenses? For sure. I couldn't afford going to a restaurant more than once a month. Daniel steps in and brings us out every now and then for a good dinner. So I'm not complaining!
Does he make efforts for her? Yes. So much! He adores this child of mine. And he is fiercely protective of her. Sometimes he doesn't realise i watch him. How he'd pull her close for cuddles when they watch TV together. Or how he would ask her how he day was..or if something upset her. How no matter how tired he is from work, he would try to spend time with her. To ask her what she would like to do and the bring her out to do exactly what she has asked. He's beginning to learn how to discipline her. (Not hitting her or anything, i would not allow anyone to hit her!) So its been going great!
But i get this question so often its almost annoying;
The easiest way for me to explain this would be; i have had a failed 'marriage' with K's dad. And the partner i had after him failed too. So am i on high alert? Yes. Until i am 100% sure that Daniel is my 'till death do us part' - will i move forward with it. I am NOT saying that i am unsure about him. What i am saying is, i am 80% sure that i would like to see it work till the end of time. But seeing as we've only been together for a year, there's still a lot of learning about each other and working as a team we need to focus on more. I don't want to go into something, without being 100% sure, with a child at stake. Kiara adores Daniel. She never fails to remind me or him how much she loves him. I love seeing them together, but I don't think anyone should jump into marriage just cos it's the better solution. It's not the better solution when you have kids! Every step i take in life, i need to think about it 100 if not a million times through if it would be the right decision for both Kiara and i. Until then, Daniel and i still have a lot of work to do. To learn to work together. To step in when the other needs it. Knowing when or where to put our foot down with each other as well as with a child.
Perhaps you could call me a bit of a pessimist. But i do not believe that you know that person is 'the one' within a month or two. Perhaps that is just me. I don't. I think even after a year, you never really know? What you know is, "i am ready to take that plunge with you". But personally for me, until i have lived with that person for more than a year to see how we work together in a household, i won't take a plunge like that. I will not put my child at risk of losing the person i chose as a partner again. Call it trial and error if you'd like. I am threading waters and i like what i see so far - but i want to see more! So until then, my answer is, not anytime soon.
So my advice to all you other moms or dads out there. Take your time finding love again. I won't lie, it will be hard. Especially cos you are afraid of being hurt again. But it is not impossible. It can be found. But the most important factor is learning to love yourself and your child. The rest will come naturally. But be alert. Don't jump into things too quick. Thread the waters, watch the flow of things. So until you are ready for the plunge, take your time! Time is the only thing we have!
The only time that i will bring her along was when the man said he'd like her to come along for our dinners etc. With my previous partner, it was great! He got along great with Kiara - as she did with him. As it was also the first year in which i had split with K's dad, there were a lot of bickering and fights that happened. Being my partner at that point of time definitely took a toll on him. I remember when we were towards the end of the relationship, i heard how he had told a friend, "I didn't sign up for the kid". Those words broke my heart. Writing it now, i think back and i finally realise why he said what he said. Perhaps, dating someone fresh out of a 4 year relationship with a kid in tow comes with a lot of emotional draining problems. He knew fully well that i was a mother. So its not like he 'didn't' sign up for it. It's not like i caught him off guard with a kid. He knew. But i guess..he didn't sign up for the war that i was still going through with K's dad. And i don't blame him.
I didn't exactly want to date anyone after him. I just felt, i did it on my own for so long - I didn't really need a man! I felt like i needed to focus on getting my life better so that i could give better to my little girl. I did however start dating someone again. I didn't expect to, seeing that he and i were friends since we were in our early teens. But i suppose age and maturity changes people and it didn't take long before we started seeing each other.
Fast forward a year now. Daniel and I have been together for a year. It's been quite a wonderful journey. Of course, dating someone who is pretty much on par with my temper has its downsides. But's its been nice to have someone who knows how to put me in my place, trust me, i need it more often than most of you know!
Throughout our relationship i was constantly watching how he interacted with Kiara. In the initial stages, i knew how hard he tried to make him like her. I have to admit, I was terrified of her liking him. The previous man i dated had cut off all ties. And it was rather hard to explain to Kiara why she suddenly didn't see him or why he didn't bother calling anymore. So with Daniel trying to win little K's heart, i was secretly terrified.
The whole getting into a relationship again left me trembling. I didn't want to have yet another failed relationship. Not when you have a little one. Especially after having her, i think people with children are not out there for 'fun dating'. I won't lie, i want a life partner. Someone who will be with me till the very end. But finding that person...well, that's one tough job.
Its been about a year of being with Daniel now. A lot has since changed since then. Besides Kiara's dad, Daniel has been the first man that moved in together with me. (Or should i say us) I guess he learned early on that i wasn't the girl who would be able to do dinner dates impromptu. He had to learn how he could never surprise me with a flight out of country without my knowledge. My christmas present from him was a trip to Bangkok. I remember how he had to tell me because it was based on my dates that he could then book the trip. So its safe to say, he's been adapting to my lifestyle with Kiara. He has understood that i have a schedule with Kiara. Most days, i go to work, pick her up from school head home, have dinner - the cycle repeats.
Daniel moving in with me, somewhat took some weight off my shoulders. I didn't want to push him to start co-parenting immediately. I didn't want to scare him off with the responsibilities of being a parent. I felt that it was important for him to come to terms of that by his own time. He needed to want to do those things for her without me pushing him to do it. Today, he helps with sending her to school every now and then, getting her ready for the day, preparing her food and milk. He does not pay for her school fees etc. Because that is something that K's dad and I attend to. But does he help with other expenses? For sure. I couldn't afford going to a restaurant more than once a month. Daniel steps in and brings us out every now and then for a good dinner. So I'm not complaining!
Does he make efforts for her? Yes. So much! He adores this child of mine. And he is fiercely protective of her. Sometimes he doesn't realise i watch him. How he'd pull her close for cuddles when they watch TV together. Or how he would ask her how he day was..or if something upset her. How no matter how tired he is from work, he would try to spend time with her. To ask her what she would like to do and the bring her out to do exactly what she has asked. He's beginning to learn how to discipline her. (Not hitting her or anything, i would not allow anyone to hit her!) So its been going great!
But i get this question so often its almost annoying;
"When are you two going to get married?"
The easiest way for me to explain this would be; i have had a failed 'marriage' with K's dad. And the partner i had after him failed too. So am i on high alert? Yes. Until i am 100% sure that Daniel is my 'till death do us part' - will i move forward with it. I am NOT saying that i am unsure about him. What i am saying is, i am 80% sure that i would like to see it work till the end of time. But seeing as we've only been together for a year, there's still a lot of learning about each other and working as a team we need to focus on more. I don't want to go into something, without being 100% sure, with a child at stake. Kiara adores Daniel. She never fails to remind me or him how much she loves him. I love seeing them together, but I don't think anyone should jump into marriage just cos it's the better solution. It's not the better solution when you have kids! Every step i take in life, i need to think about it 100 if not a million times through if it would be the right decision for both Kiara and i. Until then, Daniel and i still have a lot of work to do. To learn to work together. To step in when the other needs it. Knowing when or where to put our foot down with each other as well as with a child.
Perhaps you could call me a bit of a pessimist. But i do not believe that you know that person is 'the one' within a month or two. Perhaps that is just me. I don't. I think even after a year, you never really know? What you know is, "i am ready to take that plunge with you". But personally for me, until i have lived with that person for more than a year to see how we work together in a household, i won't take a plunge like that. I will not put my child at risk of losing the person i chose as a partner again. Call it trial and error if you'd like. I am threading waters and i like what i see so far - but i want to see more! So until then, my answer is, not anytime soon.
So my advice to all you other moms or dads out there. Take your time finding love again. I won't lie, it will be hard. Especially cos you are afraid of being hurt again. But it is not impossible. It can be found. But the most important factor is learning to love yourself and your child. The rest will come naturally. But be alert. Don't jump into things too quick. Thread the waters, watch the flow of things. So until you are ready for the plunge, take your time! Time is the only thing we have!
I know I'm not a 100% certain of my relationship either, and the thought of marriage is truly something I won't take likely. But on another hand, I've given up believing that there is a specific "one" for any one person. For me right now, as long as my partner and I continue to strive towards the same things, then I believe we'd actually make it to the end. It's a constant struggle of working together, agreeing and disagreeing, and most importantly, being in a positive environment for everyone.
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